EPILOGUE

VRISKA: Hahahahahahaha!!!!!!!
VRISKA: Hahahaha...hahaha...HA!!!!!!!
VRISKA: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!
VRISKA: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!
VRISKA: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 8H G8D, TEREZI, LOOK AT HIM...PFFFFFFFFFFHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
VRISKA: ARE YOU SEEING THIS SH8???? I feel like you aren't laughing hard enough, like you're laughing but you need to laugh harder. I mean just...look at him!
VRISKA: Look, I barely know this guy, like he completely missed me with his nefarious shenanigans and I'm 8ssentially in no position to make a judgment call on his character or on whatever punishment he may or may not deserve.
VRISKA: But stuffing a guy in a tiny cage like a bananabeast is just. So. HnnnnnnggggggggggggggHAHAHAHAAHJAAJDAJFDSAJGKGHJASDHDAJSHGDSA8888888888888888888888888888
KARKAT: OH MY GOD. SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET OFF MY FUCKING SHIP ALREADY.
VRISKA: Yeah, we're leaving. Bye.
VRISKA: I promise we'll be in and out of the session in no time. And J¿?¿ will be good as new! Happily ever after, right?
VRISKA: I mean J¿?¿.
VRISKA: J¿?¿!
VRISKA: Okay, whatever, more weird shit.
VRISKA: And maybe we'll even stay when we get back... If it doesn't s8ck too much, I mean. Right Terezi?
TEREZI: Y34H.

the muscles terezi uses to smile have atrophied over the abstract amount of time its been for her. but shes with vriska now so shell probably be fine.

VRISKA: Ready to go?
TEREZI: ...Y34H. BY3 GUYS.

they take off.

our heroes are on their way back home. unless something stupid happened while they were gone, which is unlikely as stupid things virtually never happen, everything should be completely fine upon their return. the only stupid shit they presently find themselves worrying about is stupid shit in space.

ROXY: CAPTAIN CAPTAIN A METEORS APPROACHIN ON THE LEFT (AND FAST!)
KANAYA: Alert To The Crew There Are Aliens Invading From The Right And I Love My Dear Wife So Much
ROSEBOT: Affirmative, captain. :)
JAKE: Not to be the bearer of bad news but our above and below are currently flanked by the mom and pop of all gamma rays and huh it does appear were getting fucked in every hole.
ROXY: CAPTAIN ZOMG WERE GONNA TOTES DIE WHAT DO WE DO?!!?!?!?!?!???????????????????????????

karkats ass barely grazes the captains seat with how comfortably sunken it is. he looks high.

KARKAT: MAAAN...
KARKAT: IUNNO.
KARKAT: LET'S BE GRATEFUL FOR THE GOOD TIMES WE'VE HAD AH HAH HAAA
KARKAT: AND GOOD TIMES THERE WERE.
DAVE: youre like soooo~ right
DAVE: captain B) B;)
KARKAT: HEHEHEEHEHHE
DAVE: heheheheh

roxy looks into the camera.

ROXY: yr prawbzies wonderin how we got into this situation
ROXY: its been a lil bit since we started on our way home
ROXY: ever since the honeymooners made up the guy whos supposed to be flyin the planes been wicked ZONKED OUT
ROXY: i guess its true what they say about couples after a fight
ROXY: just wish it werent true in all our supply closets bro
ROXY: as for me? welp
ROXY: ive kinda taken the helm on this narratory shit ig!
ROXY: i dunno seems like someone should be doin it
ROXY: keepin it TROO neutral
ROXY: o speakin of, i gots 2 pay attention!

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP CODE RED IMPENDING DEATH IMPENDING shouts the spaceship.

ROXY: (dont worry tho i gots a feeling were gonna be okay LMFAO)

jade shoots in through the main doorway. her arm vaguely clips inside the metal. prying dave and karkat apart she takes the wheel. by the way, shes wearing a black leotard with long sleeves and white boots. her official crew badge is red.

JADE: sorryyy i had to peeeeeeeee!!! captain jade reporting for DUTY!!!!!! heehee.

with no discernable gesture portrayed by jade the vessel is teleported outside the radius of all that dangerous shit that was going to kill everyone a second ago. the catastrophic collision visible in the ships rearview mirror goes unnoted.

EVERYONE: YAAAY!!!
KARKAT: HEY WHAT THE FUCK.
KARKAT: YOU AREN'T THE CAPTAIN. I'M THE CAPTAIN! YOU WANNA BE THE CAPTAIN? TRY NOT BEING IN A *COMA* THE ENTIRE FUCKING JOURNEY HOW'S THAT FOR BEING THE CAPTAIN?
JADE: um.
JADE: karkat i am a witchy muselord of timespace^2 i thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiink that means i outrank you.
KARKAT: ARE YOU SERIOUS??
JADE: are you?
KARKAT: YOU WAKE UP GODDESS OF THE UNIVERSE AND SUDDENLY EEEEEEEVERYTHING'S ABOUT YOU. I DON'T HAVE TO BEND TO YOUR WILL. ANYONE CAN DO THE NARRATIVE THING. IT'S LIKE, SO LAST YEAR?

KARKAT "THE BIG SHOT" DAVEKAT SITS HIS MOTHER FUCKING ASS DOWN IN THAT CAPTAIN'S SEAT, PRECISELY WHERE IT SAT BEFORE YOU WERE TECHNICALLY EVEN BORN BITCH.

JADE: BITCH?!
JADE: SLUT!
KARKAT: SLUT?!
KARKAT: BITCHY SLUT!
JADE: WOW awkward karkat i was born like yesterday :x im afraid you are alone in your slutty whoreish ways. >:D
JADE: oh whatever i dont need to sit in the stupid captains chair to be the captain you idiot. the entire universe is IN MY HEAD.
KARKAT: GOOD FOR YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JADE: YEAH IT IS VERY GOOD FOR ME THANK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JADE: AND GET OFF MY LAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ROXY: lawlz its great to have the gang back togeth innit dirk

dirk is slowly suffocating behind his tiny monkey baby bars. his hands are glued to them out of sheer strain and theres like a giant vein popping out of his neck. oh. theres a ring on his finger. it appears to be 8 carat.

DAVE: hey uh
DAVE: can he breathe

snop! jade changes the background from orange to gray. dirk gasps for air. dave braces him through the cage. now karkat is suffocating. quickly dave runs to the aide of the person he blatantly loves more.*

*biased narration; disregard from canon.

DIRK: Hey! Can I just say--

shell just have to compromise. the background flips between orange and gray. the effect is bad.

KARKAT: [BARFING]
DIRK: Could I at least get a glass of water?
DAVE: oh my god jade stop youre killing the first and fifth most important men in my life

now its daves turn to be girlhandled. jade traps him in a headlock.

JADE: oooh dave when will you realize that men just arent that important at all! ;)

she kisses him on the cheek.

DAVE: im a feminist but youre actually killing them in real life
JADE: im just goofing around dave XD dirk is like my best friend i wouldnt slaughter him! and karkats karkat.
DAVE: i know youre still my jade but like no offense the fact that youve allegedly killed and consumed several hundreds of your splinters not to fucking mention lord english by proxy is objectively unsettling
JADE: youre misunderstanding how this whole thing works dave. all of those jades are a part of me now and they are so happy to be alive. :)
DAVE: oh okay phew
DAVE: thought we were gonna have to send you to the pound
JADE: dog jokes arent funny.
DAVE: huh
DAVE: yes they are?
DAVE: youre like a dog girl and stuff
DAVE: hey
DAVE: someone back me up
DAVE: guys
DAVE: am i a jerk or something
DAVE: dude
DAVE: unmute dirk hes probably on my side here
DAVE: oh god damn it im an asshole